If NFL Positions Were People in Your Friend Group
- elizabethmacbey
- Sep 19
- 5 min read
Every friend group has its roles: the group chat dictator, the ghost, the diva, etc., and an NFL roster is no different. In fact, there may be even more personalities on an NFL team than in your friend group. So, let’s break it down position by position: if NFL positions were people in your friend group, who would they be?
Quarterback – Group Chat Dictator
Every friend group has that one person who thinks they’re the head coach, GM, and franchise quarterback all rolled into one. They don’t just drop a casual “what’s the plan?” in the chat — nah, they’re building a 37-tab Google Sheet with color-coded itineraries, hotel check-in times, and PowerPoint slides on “optimal Uber strategy.” (Yes, they definitely use Notion. And yes, they’ve tried to make you use it too.)
They’re also the first to rename the group chat every three weeks (usually something cringe), and the reason you randomly have a shared calendar invite for “Brunch???” at 10:45 AM. This is the same person who takes 400 pregame photos but mysteriously ghosts when you ask them to actually send them. They thrive on control, treating Saturday night like the Super Bowl, and you’re just lucky to be on the roster.
Wide Receiver – The Diva
WRs are all flash, and so is this friend. They say “I’m on my way” but really just started showering. They show up an hour late because they couldn’t decide between two nearly identical outfits. They disappear from the group chat for weeks, then reemerge like Odell Beckham in 2014 with a one-handed catch (or in this case, a chaotic Insta story that nobody asked for).
High-maintenance? Absolutely. But when they do show up, they bring an energy the rest of the squad simply can’t. It’s exhausting, it’s dramatic, but let’s be honest — the night is always more fun when they’re there.
Tight End – The Swiss Army Knife
Tight ends will do anything: block, catch, or line up in the backfield. And so will this friend. They’re versatile, reliable, and down for literally whatever. Rage until 4 AM? Done. Help you move your couch at 9 AM the next morning? Also done.
This is the ultimate glue guy. They’ll wingman, dominate beer pong, cook breakfast, call the Uber, and somehow keep everyone together when it feels like the night is spiraling. The TE isn’t flashy, but without them, the whole squad falls apart.
Running Back – The Psycho (aka the Short Friend)
Don’t get mad, but running backs are usually short kings, and so is this friend. Not “psycho” in a scary way, but psycho as in pure chaos. They’re short bursts of energy that hit like pre-workout to the face.
One second you’re grabbing a drink, next second they’ve signed you up for karaoke, a 3v3 pickup basketball game, and a 2 AM Taco Bell run. They’re the ones starting chants at the bar, sprinting into traffic for no reason, and somehow surviving off two hours of sleep. Keeping up with them feels like tackling Derrick Henry at full speed, and you will fail.
Centre – The Unsung Hero
Centers don’t get highlights, but nothing works without them. That’s this friend. They’re the Uber caller, the bill splitter, the person who remembers whose coat is still at the bar.
They’re not flashy, not loud, but they’re the reason the squad even makes it home. They’re also 100% the one carrying a mini pharmacy in their bag (Advil, Tums, maybe even Pepto). They don’t ask for credit, but without them, you’re stranded outside the club arguing over who’s paying cover.
Safety – The Bodyguard
Safeties sit back, read the field, and erase mistakes. That’s this friend, the protector. They spot sketchy dudes from a mile away, physically drag you out of bad situations, and intercept your drunk texts before they ruin your life.
Think Secret Service, but with a White Claw in hand. They don’t just keep the squad safe; they are the last line of defense.
Cornerback – The Trash Talk Merchant
CBs chirp nonstop, and so does this guy. Doesn’t matter if it’s beer pong, darts, or fantasy football. They’re running their mouth like they’re prime Deion Sanders.
Here’s the thing: they lose 9 out of 10 times. But somehow, they still celebrate like they just won the Lombardi. They’re cocky, they’re delusional, but competition is always 10x funnier with them in the mix. Half the reason you keep them around is because they never shut up.
O-Line – The Couch Friend
The O-line doesn’t get highlights, but they do the dirty work. That’s these friends. Big dudes, chill vibes, and the reason nobody messes with you when you’re out.
They don’t need attention, don’t need credit, but you always feel safer when they’re around. And let’s be real: without them, you’d be catching Ls left and right. They’re also the first ones to call “shotgun” on the couch at the afters, and nobody dares argue.
D-Line – The Chaos Generator
D-linemen exist to blow things up. These friends are loud, reckless, and usually shirtless by midnight. They’re at the center of every “so then the cops showed up…” story, and they wouldn’t have it any other way.
They’re unpredictable, they’re exhausting, and you know if they text “what’s the move tonight?” it’s about to end poorly. Still, every group needs at least one, otherwise, who’s going to get you kicked out of the bar?
Kicker – The Overthinker
One job. Pure pressure. One mistake and everyone hates them. That’s this friend. They stress about cover charges, apologize 14 times for being three minutes late, and spiral if they miss one text.
They could ghost the chat for an hour and act like it’s a career-ending shank. You love them, but they’re walking anxiety wrapped in human form.
Punter – The Ghost
Punters show up twice a game, then vanish. That’s this friend. You don’t see them for weeks, and then suddenly they’re back with a Vegas story, a new tattoo, and a mysterious Venmo request.
They’ll be the life of the party one night, then disappear into the shadows like Batman. Until next time.
Special Teams – The Annual Reunion Friend
Special teams barely see the field, but when they do, it matters. That’s this friend. You link up once a year, and it’s always chaos, nostalgia, and “we need to do this more often.”
Spoiler alert: you won’t... But for that one night, it feels like no time has passed.
Final Whistle
At the end of the day, every friend group is basically an NFL roster. You’ve got the leaders, the divas, the glue guys, and the chaos agents. Some keep you alive, some get you in trouble, and some only pop up once in a blue moon.
But just like football, you need every single one of them to make the game worth watching.
Edited by: Megan Livengood
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