Dear Santa: Please Fix My Team - A Gift Guide for Desperate NFL Fans
- elizabethmacbey
- 7 minutes ago
- 5 min read
Ahhh, the holidays, a time of cheer, hot chocolate, and watching your team blow a fourth-quarter lead with seasonal joy…As the holidays approach, NFL fans everywhere are doing what they do best: pretending everything is fine, their team isn't 2-9 (cough...Jets...cough), and they are totally making the playoffs...right, Chargers fans?
But don’t worry, Sports Girls Club is here with the perfect gift for every fan! Whether your friend roots for a Super Bowl contender or a team that collapses faster than a folding table at a Bills tailgate, we’ve got you covered.
This year, Santa's elves are serving up petty stocking stuffers, with a little extra spice!
AFC EAST
Buffalo Bills - Folding Table Reinforcement Kit
Whether they’re rage-slamming themselves through one or the team is slamming their playoff hopes, those tables aren’t built to last.
Miami Dolphins - SPF 1000
Not for the sun.
For the burns they get every time they play a team with a winning record.
New England Patriots - A doormat that says “Welcome Back to the Bandwagon.”
A real doormat for the front door of every newly reawakened Patriots fan.
Because nothing says “We’re suddenly good again” like greeting guests with an open invitation to hop back on the hype train. Wipe your feet, swallow your pride, and pretend you never left.
New York Jets - Personalized Kleenex Box + Sauce
Perfect for wiping away tears, broken dreams, and yet another abysmal season. And because we know you miss Sauce Gardner, here's a little extra gift from us to you! A sampler pack of sauces in "Overcooke Optimism Jalapeno" and "Justin Fields' Tears".
AFC NORTH
Baltimore Ravens - “Former King” Crown
A plastic crown, dented slightly, for accuracy. For the Derrick Henry that once ruled the AFC…and for the version Baltimore got, who rules absolutely nothing except 2nd & 8.
Cincinnati Bengals - Stress Ball
Shaped like a calf muscle because Bengals fans deserve to squeeze something that isn't their couch cushions every time Burrow lands awkwardly.
Cleveland Browns - “QB of the Month” Dry-Erase Board
Finally: a gift that keeps up with their roster changes.
Pittsburgh Steelers - TJ Watt Appreciation Candle
A real scented candle for Steelers fans to light every Sunday as they pray for TJ Watt to single-handedly save the team again. Perfect for creating a calming atmosphere while the offense does… whatever that is.
Comes in scents like: “Edge Rusher Eucalyptus,” “Sack Attack Vanilla,” and “Please Don’t Get Hurt Pine.”
AFC SOUTH
Jacksonville Jaguars - Union Jax
A real Union Jack–style Jaguars flag for the team that’s basically more British than Floridian at this point. Perfect for waving proudly during their home away from home games at Wembley, and for reminding everyone that the UK might actually love this team more than Jacksonville does.
Indianapolis Colts - "Run the Damn Ball" Tote Bag
The ultimate approval gift from one boss football lady (Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side) to another, Carli Irsay-Gordon.
Houston Texans - Binoculars
A pair of binoculars so fans can get a better look at the top of the AFC South, since they’re not there but can kind of see it from below.
Tennessee Titans - Stadium Seat Cushion
A padded stadium seat cushion, so at least someone in Tennessee can be comfortable and protected on Sundays.
Cam Ward? Absolutely not. Behind that Titans offensive line, he’s experiencing more hits than a 2000s pop playlist.
AFC WEST
Kansas City Chiefs - Dustpan & Brush Set
I bet you were expecting a Taylor Swift–themed gift, right?
Ha. No. This year, Chiefs fans deserve a dustpan-and-brush set to sweep up the shattered pieces of what used to be the most feared dynasty in football.
Los Angeles Chargers - Jim Harbaugh Khakis
A pair of khakis, inspired by the undeniable fact that Jim Harbaugh wears these things every. single. day. Now Chargers fans can suit up just like their head coach, whose wardrobe consistency is somehow more reliable than the team’s ability to finish games
Las Vegas Raiders - Gum
With Geno Smith under center, Raiders fans will need ALL the stress relief they can get. Comes with a warning label: “Do not chew harder than Pete Carroll unless you want jaw surgery.”
Denver Broncos - Home Security System Yard Sign
This gift fits perfectly because the Broncos defense IS a security system —they guard every inch of turf like it's someone’s front lawn at 3 a.m.
Broncos fans can proudly plant their sign in the yard (or hang it in their living room) as a reminder: “This House Protected by the Denver Defense.”
NFC EAST
Dallas Cowboys - A Calendar That Ends in December
It saves time and disappointment.
Philadelphia Eagles - Wawa Gift Card
The single greatest peace offering you can give an Eagles fan.
Whether the Birds are flying high or collapsing spectacularly, every Philly fan copes the same way: by storming into a Wawa at 11:47 PM and ordering a hoagie with the emotional intensity of a playoff game.
New York Giants - Rotating Desk Fan (a.k.a. “QB Carousel Simulator”)
A real rotating desk fan, because the Giants’ quarterback room spins faster than this thing on medium speed. Every time it rotates, imagine Brian Daboll saying: “You’re up. No, wait… YOU’RE up.”
Washington Commanders - Emotional Support Blanket
Cozy fleece blanket, because the only thing keeping Commanders fans warm right now is denial. This blanket offers more comfort than Washington’s offensive line did.
NFC NORTH
Detroit Lions - Restor The Roar Air Horn
A painfully loud air horn, because Lions fans have waited their entire lives for a team this good, and they’re not going to celebrate quietly.
Minnesota Vikings - Neck Brace
No team whiplashes their fans between hope and heartbreak like Minnesota.
Green Bay Packers - Cheese Grater
Only if you hate them though...
Chicago Bears - Bandwagon Gate Pass
A lanyard pass labeled “Official Bandwagon Entry – Now That We’re Good.” Because suddenly everyone wants to love Chicago again.
NFC SOUTH
Atlanta Falcons - Goal Line GPS
Because they’ve been lost there for years.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - “Believe in Baker” Headband
An athletic headband to match your QB, perfect for fans embracing the Baker Mayfield redemption arc.
New Orleans Saints - A Mystery Box
Could be good, could be bad, could be Taysom Hill at tight end. Truly, anything is possible.
Carolina Panthers - A Hug
Just… a hug. Nothing else.
NFC WEST
San Francisco 49ers - Mileage Tracker
A pedometer, because nobody in the NFL logs more metaphorical miles than Christian McCaffrey.
Los Angeles Rams - ‘I Miss Prime Aaron Donald’ T-Shirt
A unisex classic.
Arizona Cardinals - Stepladder
For reading the defense and reaching the top shelves.
Seattle Seahawks - Throat Lozenges
A box of throat lozenges, because nobody screams louder, prouder, or more unhinged than Seahawks fans. The 12s don’t watch football…they sonically assault opposing offenses.
Shop Smart. Love Your Team. Lower Your Expectations.
Whether your team is thriving, collapsing, or inventing entirely new ways to lose, this holiday gift guide has something for every kind of delusional NFL fan!
Edited by: Megan Livengood
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