If NFL Coaches Were Your Summer Camp Counselors
- Elizabeth MacBey
- 48 minutes ago
- 4 min read
Summer camp.
Where bug spray becomes a precious commodity, bug bites outnumber brain cells, and you become a four-course meal for mosquitoes.
If you can’t tell from that glowing endorsement, I never went. But I am still qualified to write this article. Trust me. Summer camp is just juice boxes, canoes, and bugs, right?
Every time I try to “connect with nature,” I end up nearly connecting with the afterlife, so needless to say, I’m not a fan of the great outdoors. Unless, of course, “nature” means sitting on a beach with a drink in hand… in which case, I’m practically Bear Grylls.
Some may think managing a 53-man roster is tough — but nothing tests leadership like a cabin full of sticky, hangry kids. Unless you’re Mike Vrabel, and that’s basically just Tuesday.
This week, let's take a look at what happens when coaches are reassigned to bunk 12.
Who’s the fan favorite, the pro-level s’mores maker, or the relentless stickler for the rules?
Sean McVay - The Hyperactive Junior Counselor
Camp nickname: “Coach Zoomies”
Technically, he's in charge, but emotionally, he's just another camper. Shows up with five walkie-talkies, a whistle he doesn't need, and a laminated schedule that includes “team-building dodgeball” at 6:45 a.m. Can recite the entire camp itinerary from memory… and will.
Vibe: Had too much Capri Sun. Still talks in play-calling lingo.
Catchphrase: “Let’s goooo Cabin 4, I LOVE the urgency!”
Andy Reid - Head Chef / Camp Dad
Camp nickname: “Big Red”
Turns the mess hall into a Kansas City-style BBQ pit. Teaches kids how to make ribs, not crafts. May or may not be sneaking brisket into the canoe trips.
Vibe: Warm, wise, and always smells like smoked meat.
Catchphrase: “Campfire’s hot, but not as hot as this sauce.”
Pete Carroll - The Youth Group Energy Guru
Camp nickname: “Coach Gum”
Has the energy of a golden retriever and the knee cartilage of a haunted doll. Somehow wins every counselor race. Is constantly chewing gum and high-fiving kids like they just solved world peace. And don’t worry, he brought his basketball net.
Vibe: Way too energetic for someone his age.
Catchphrase: “Everyone gets a turn! Even you, Derek!”
Dan Campbell - Wilderness Survival / Strength and Conditioning Counselor
Camp nickname: “Coach Kneecaps”
Shows up shirtless, carrying firewood and a live raccoon. Makes kids do push-ups before breakfast. Teaches knot tying, spearfishing, and “the art of emotional resilience.” He once made a camper scream “FOR THE GRIT!” before jumping into the lake.
Vibe: This is Navy SEAL training disguised as summer fun.
Catchphrase: “We don’t rest. We bite kneecaps and then we hydrate.”
Mike McDaniel - The "Cool" Counselor Who Probably Shouldn't Be in Charge
Camp nickname: “Mike” - He’s so cool he lets the kids call him by his first name.
Wears sunglasses inside. Calls everyone “dude” and teaches a dolphin squeal during canoe practice. Accidentally lets kids stay up ‘til 2 a.m. “because the vibes were good.”
Vibe: Camp counselor or tech bro? Who’s to say.
Catchphrase: “Do less. But like… do it better.”
Sean Payton - The Washed Legend Who Won't Let Go
Camp nickname: “Coach Glory Days”
Rolls in wearing a visor and sunglasses indoors. Constantly reminds everyone he once ran the best talent show in camp history back in 2009. Makes the kids run old Drew Brees-era skits no one understands. Gets weirdly competitive about relay races and sulks when Cabin 6 beats him.
Vibe: Every activity somehow turns into a story about that one summer he was king of camp.
Catchphrase: “Back when I was here, we won Best Cabin three years in a row. Just sayin’.”
Jim Harbaugh - The Counselor Who Thinks Camp Is Basic Training
Camp nickname: “Sergeant Khakis”
He’s not here to make friends — or s’mores. Harbaugh treats camp like a preseason conditioning program. Every morning starts with bear crawls and silent meditation on toughness. He makes kids hike three miles just to get to the canoe dock. Has beef with a nearby raccoon and refuses to back down.
Vibe: Wears cleats on the trail. Gives off “would challenge a tree to a staring contest” energy.
Catchphrase: “Fun is earned. And right now, you haven’t earned it.”
Nick Sirianni - The Unhinged Camp Games Director
Camp nickname: “Coach Chaos”
You never know what you’re walking into. One day, it’s a scavenger hunt. The next, it’s a full-blown Olympics with mystery challenges and blindfolded dodgeball. Decides cabin clean-up duty with rock-paper-scissors tournaments. Screams “LET’S GOOOO” over tug-of-war like it’s the NFC Championship.
Vibe: The kids love him. The other counselors are exhausted. The camp director is terrified.
Catchphrase: “We’re not here to camp. We’re here to compete.”
Mike Tomlin - The Mysterious Counselor Who Somehow Wins Every Year
Camp nickname: “Coach Sneaky”
He doesn’t say much. He doesn’t campaign. He doesn’t even seem particularly interested in camp awards. But when the dust settles, and the trophies are handed out? Somehow, his cabin always wins. Best Cabin, Cleanest Bunks, Capture the Flag Champs — you name it.
Nobody remembers seeing them train. Nobody heard them chant. Half the camp thought they got eliminated in Week 3.
Vibe: No one knows how he got to the final…but of course he did. Just like the playoffs
Catchphrase: “I don’t explain success. I expect it.”
S'More Than Just Coaches
So, what happens when the league’s sharpest minds trade whiteboards for bug spray and postgame interviews for campfire singalongs?
Chaos. Camaraderie. Charred marshmallows. And somehow — even here — Mike Tomlin still makes the playoffs.
Maybe next season, they'll bring whistles. For now? They're just trying to survive dodgeball without pulling a hamstring.
Because at the end of the day, no matter how many rings you’ve won… you’re never too elite to lose a three-legged race to Andy Reid.
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